There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Who’s your best friend?