My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Good morning y’all ☀️
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”