Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi