Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence