running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A family that plays together cheats.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Bring back the McRib
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
what are they serving at kfc then???
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.