Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting