Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
🤣could you imagine
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Not all heroes wear capes…
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂