If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Challenge accepted.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
😅😅😅
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil