guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Kermit goes Blue.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.