date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
❤️🦆
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..