Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I feel seen.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
socratic questions
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR