The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
You Might Also Like
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something