Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
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Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
🙂🐾
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
What a chick magnet..
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Bed should get ready for ME
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti