*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.