My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
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[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*