Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?