My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.