Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
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The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.