No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Don’t snitch tag.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.