I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
they split up moments later
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.