He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
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me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*checks Timeline*…
me after drinking all the wine:
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
getting groceries
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I did not eat the cake…
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.