no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.