Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Safety first
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.