Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me My dog
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
just left a huge legacy in there
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine