Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You Might Also Like
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
s
oc
i
a
l
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”