The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!