lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”