Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?