I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
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Donkey Kong sommelier
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder