Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Education is vital
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
those birds must be on payroll
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again