Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”