I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive