Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
😂🤣😂🤣
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.