Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel