GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
BRO LMFAO
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.