My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My dog after a walk in the woods.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
How to draw a duck
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.