CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Sunday
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him