I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED