Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“