doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Where’s my employee discount too?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.