We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I’m tired tomorrow.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift