Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.