Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
getting groceries
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.