He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?