My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
We need more people like this.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol