Don’t snitch tag.
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms