I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
lmao