People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!