*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it