You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
The “baby” on the left….
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants